Hey

I'm new here. Be nice.

I went to one of those networking dinners a while ago. It was cool. I’ve been trying to get out more and create the life I want, the life I need … the life I deserve. I’m rambling, but you get it; if you don’t get it, wow - what’s it like to have a life? Tuh!

!IMPORTANT! Before I continue, I should preface this with a disclaimer - I have EXTREME ADHD, and it will be quite obvious as you continue to read. So though my thoughts may seem scattered, I trust you comprehend my sentiments. In other words, jus vibe twin, we jus vibing here.

Anyway, I’m at this dinner, and it’s going pretty fine, as fine as these things can go, I guess, and then it gets a bit deep. The host started asking questions on a “We’re not really strangers” type beat and eventually asked, “What is your phone screensaver, and explain why you chose it.”

I had just changed my screensaver for the first time in 3 years; I was basically born to answer this question — and can you believe they almost skipped me?? Likeeeeeee

My screensaver is a promotional poster for the movie Punch-Drunk Love by an artist named Jeremy Blake. I watched Punch-Drunk Love for the first time last year, and at the end of it, I wanted to hug my TV. I am Barry — in search of love but constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown… hmm, breakdowns, not the word. We bend. We don’t break. Them bends tho 🥴

Back to the movie. I can rant about the movie, but I didn’t choose that poster because of the film — well, not just because of the movie. I prefer it because of the artist - Jeremy Blake. See, after I watched “Punch-Drunk Love,” I spent the night googling everything about it *as any normal person would do* and found a gorgeous set of promo posters designed by Blake. I was impressed that he could develop such gradients and digital artist pieces in the early 2000s and figured he must be up to some cool sh*t now.

A quick Google search revealed that Jeremy is no longer with us. According to reports, he tragically took his own life by walking into the ocean a few days after discovering that his partner of 12 years, Theresa Duncan, had done the same in their shared home. On a secluded beach, Jeremy left behind a business card bearing the words, "I am going to join the lovely Theresa."

As someone who seeks to create and sustain love in my own life — (sounds desperate but idk how else to word it also, I don’t just mean any love; I mean healthy love of all forms) —this intrigued me. Not in regards to the act of self-sacrifice, for which I hope they both have found solace, but rather the underlying motivations - the why.

I have recently embarked on a journey of self-discovery, learning to establish boundaries in my personal life and examining how I both give and receive love. By identifying my own wants and needs, I strive to cultivate a healthier relationship with myself.

In doing so, I have recognized patterns of self-sacrifice and avoiding confrontation to preserve connections and situations as they exist. You know, the typical ignorance is bliss shit and tons of other buzzwords. That and daydreaming a bit too much.

I blame all the melodramatic movies and romcoms I watched as a kid though I also don’t. I mean, how can you watch "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" or "You've Got Mail" and not believe in the small miracles and serendipitous nature of life? It opens you up to the possibility of unexpected blessings, like meeting Sid Arthur at a party that no one thought you'd get into. Matter of fact, I love being a lil delulu. I just had to get myself guardrails and create a playbook of sorts that has room for every inch of who I am and the person I want to become. You know ✨ balance ✨

Love, like life, is undeniably a weird ass phenomenon. It holds answers to so many "why's" while simultaneously posing a profound "why" of its own.

Okay, I’m gonna stop here. I just rambled a lot, and it’s only my first post, but hopefully, this gave you a sense of where my head’s at. My name is Janiel, and I am navigating the intricacies of loving intentionally—learning to embrace life, so to speak. This is my blog Indistinct Chatter; I’ll be writing about more than love here — I’ll talk about music, movies, my dog, tv, and quite possibly, love once again.

If you’ve managed to make it to the end of all this word vomit - I hope love is close to you — if not in you.

Oh, here’s the poster. It’s pretty and reminds me of the enigmatic nature of love.

:) Janiel.

Yooo, I said love way too many times here. Also, I hope that playbook reference checks out - I don’t watch sports.